Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up

22 thoughts on “Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up”

1. Many of the comments here are from the point of view of an anxious person saying how they're now free of their avoidant partners and how others should do the same. Well, I'm the avoidant partner and I'd like to express how reading all people saying the same affects people like me too.
   Avoidant people are not all asshole, abusing the power they have in their relationships and degrading their partners; we're not all bad guys.
   We're the first and most hurt people by our own behavior, we crave for affection and love but we're unable to cope with it, don't know how to act, what to feel, how much too show, constantly guilty because we know we're not enough and just waiting for WHEN (not if) the good times with our partners are gonna end, for when they're gonna tell us WE are the cause for it. It's a long and draining process that never stops. I've been to therapy for years, you can improve on some things but you can never become a complete new person yet i know that the right person for us exists too. We like our indipendence it doesn't mean that we don't know how to be sweet, little acts speak higher than big words for us and that's how many of us tend to show love.
   So yes if we're incompatible it's alright to go away but don't call it a day just because you're told you're partner is an avoidant. We're not horrible people to avoid at the first sign, we just need more time for you to understand our "love language"
   Just because we don't show love how it's usually done doesn't mean we don't love.

2. I’m the avoidant in this vignette and years later I’m still fucked up. But this helps contextualize what happened.

3. Bingo

4. This is spot on but so much left unsaid about how to actually fix it.

5. Wow. I’ve been married for 11 years and my wife started as the anxious one and I was the avoidant. She dealt with my selfishness for 11 years and just left me. This video perfectly explained my broken marriage.

6. This was helpful

7. Why do the anxious ones keep it to themselves and enjoy life?

   Just commented this because avoidants are not saying anything in the comment section.

8. Lol…

9. What if the avoidant and anxious person is in one person

10. I was a happy, optimistic person before my relationship with an avoidant. The relationship changed me into a resentful, melancholic, and insecure mess. I didn't even recognize me anymore after a time. I am not that person. The me that I know is warm, and stronge, and happy. With the avoidant partner, I was so fucking sad and lonely all the time. It is hell to love and not receive love back. Words alone mean nothing when the other person's actions don't match what they say.

    Walk away from the avoidant type as quickly as you can. They are damaged goods. If they are not willing to change, being with them will only poison your soul. And you deserve so much better than that. Love yourself enough to walk away.

11. Thanks I needed this confirms my decision and it didn't take years just two months of the pull and push and I'm ok with moving on completely

12. At the beginning she seemed so nice and caring. The change so subtle and slow that you think she is still the cute girl you imagined her to be in the first month. After she breaks up with you suddenly then you will think about everything that has happend and you just feel duped you feel taken advantage of you feel like a damn fooool

13. This is so us!!! 100/100

14. I think I'm both of these at the same time

15. As an Avoidant I would say that when I am shown love and tlc, there's a part of me that finds it hard to believe. The internal dialogue playing is since my parents showed me little affection, then I'm not worthy of being loved. When my partner asks for more demonstrations of love, I pull away because I'm incapable of that. It just seems I would be faking it if I tried.

16. Lol this describes my relationship how I used to act and how my partner managed to keep me

17. As an avoidant, this is literally the perfect description of me and my ex gf. The first 6 months were unbelievable, then when life got stressful I started to pull away. We broke up 4 times over 2 years but I always fell back into the same patterns no matter how much I tried. It’s honestly heartbreaking because I loved her so much, still do, but just struggled to show it. Just wish I had of found this stuff sooner

18. I apologize on behalf of all of us Avoidants. We are just a product of emotional neglect from birth to adulthood. We have built walls so thick and high it's really very difficult to overcome. I'm still an avoidant now but the best way to break down an avoidant's wall is not by nagging them of how much attention you need from them. Or being needy and angry when they don't respond. That was my mom's approach. She was the one who emotionally neglected me, but now nags me and is being needy. As a child she only talks to me to ask me do homework, or do the chores. Always yelling at me for small mistakes. Never praised me for anything. Now as an adult, she only talks to me when she wants money. She never listened to any of my emotional turmoils ever. In short, the only attention I ever got from her were not genuine and there is always something in return.

    The only way to get an Avoidant to open up is by reassuring them that you love them unconditionally, That they are loved for who they are, and nothing else. They need a lot of caring and understanding. Give them the space they need. This was what my step-dad did. And I'm forever grateful to him. Because of him I learned what being loved truly means. And so I can also love someone the same way. I'm glad I also found a man like my stepfather. He's very loving, caring and understands my need for space. And I also adjust to him by giving him as much attention as I can handle. Remember I still dislike clingy people.

    P. S.
    I don't hate my mom. My dad died when I was 3 and she was left alone with 3 kids I'm the eldest. She had to work her ass off to feed us. And I just had to grow up too fast to help my mom take care of my younger siblings. The youngest has a secure attachment. So my mom and step dad actually did get it right with my youngest sibling.

19. Wow read me… I’m the avoidant partner 🤦🏽‍♂️

20. As it states at the end ,you are both playing out a pattern.No blame here or ultimatums, just awareness and healing.

21. Avoidant people should be looking for relationship in the first place, they should be looking for counseling instead.

22. I noticed I'm more on the avoidant side, but I'm working on it. It fucked up my last close friendship a lot. I kinda wish people would notice that it stems from a deep-engrained fear that if you open up, you will get betrayed and hurt. I got that a lot as a kid, but me ignoring someone because I'm terrified of texting them knowing I'll have to open up with a long serious conversation, despite knowing how mean it is for me to ignore their texts and feeling extremely guilty for not responding isn't fun for either side. It was hard, and I decided to just end the friendship after I got bombarded with daily texts and calls for literal months and that friend started texting another friend just to get in contact with me. It's unhealthy for both sides.

    I'm working really hard on it now, and I try my best to keep things open with my boyfriend when I need to, and I do the same for him. I'm doing my best, and while it's hard, I'm learning.

Comments are closed.